


Eleutherophobia

by Xekstrin



Category: RWBY
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2016-04-25
Packaged: 2018-05-16 00:08:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5805628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xekstrin/pseuds/Xekstrin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The fear of freedom. A short Ruby/Emerald fic exploring the possibility of an Emerald redemption arc.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

The silver shackle around her wrist never got any lighter. Emerald wished that she had the sense of mind to request it be placed around her ankle instead, the day she made the deal. An anklet ward could be concealed by a pair of clunky boots, no semblance required.

But her dominant hand, the one she wrote with, the one she displayed to the world when extending it in a handshake- everyone saw _it_ before they saw her. It put them on the defensive, made it hard for Emerald to do what she did best.

Though the details of her crime were kept confidential, it didn’t stop the rumors. Considering the recent destruction and chaos there was always suspicion, of course, that Emerald had been involved. But the masterminds had revealed their hands, so to speak, splaying the cards on the table, and in the resulting flood Emerald had been cast aside.

With no worth, and no stake in the aftermath, and of course no other choice, she’d defected to the enemy’s team. And thus she erased her accountability, as well.

Sitting in a ray of warm autumn sunlight, she watched a lone worker clear Beacon’s immaculately kept lawns, raking piles of leaves together for collection. Outside the winds might bite and remind you to keep wary, but in the right angle, Emerald could be as content as a housecat.

In the end she had the better hand, after all.

She couldn’t have planned this better if she tried.

“Hey, Emerald!”

A hand- a _large_ hand- clasped her by the back of her skull, and for a second Emerald panicked. She expected the fingers to curl in. The force of a powerful soul to funnel strength into muscles, until the grip crushed her in a bloody fist.

And her, completely defenseless, completely off-guard. How could she have _ever_ been caught off guard? It would have meant death before, as it meant death in that very second, locked with no aura to defend herself with.

But the hand ruffled up her hair and she slowly turned around to see Yang smiling down at her. There wasn’t a hint of sadism in it, or knowledge of what kind of terror she instilled in Emerald.

There was always a promise of revenge here in Beacon, since the only ones who knew her crime also happened to be her jailors and the ones who sentenced her here.

“I’m headed to town,” Yang said, in the millisecond it took for Emerald to think all those things. “Need anything?”

She blinked, slowly. Parts of the terms and conditions of her defection meant she wasn’t allowed past the school grounds. The ward on her wrist promised a grisly retribution if she did. Then, slowly, Emerald shook her head.

“Okie dokie.” Yang turned, then hesitated. “Hey, did we have anything due for Oobleck tomorrow?”

“Essay isn’t due ‘til next Friday.”

Yang visibly relaxed. “Oh, good. Well, seeya!”

Then she left.

Absolutely pathetic. Emerald slumped against the window, glaring down at the walkways with renewed sullenness. The little reading nook in the library was her favorite place in Beacon, but watching Yang’s blond head bob and shimmer away reminded her that she still had exchanged her freedom for safety.

She lifted her dominant hand up to view it, the skintight silver monitor that neutered her powers, tracked her vitals, and transmitted her location. Every faculty member had access to the controls and could switch it on for training or lessons, but that was it. Otherwise she was normal, like everyone else and yet unlike everyone at Beacon, and the world never danced for her or shimmered in illusion unless it was under the watchful eye of someone she didn’t trust.

Worst of all was how her jailors acted. The only one with sense in her head was the Schnee girl, who staunchly refused to be within three feet of her at any time. But Yang had easily forgiven her, and JNPR cautiously extended the olive branch, and Penny had even shaken her hand.

Like, what was that? Some kind of mind game? Emerald didn’t know what to do with it. Maybe the robot had been programmed to mess with her. She also didn’t know what to do with the book she found on her pillow one day, entitled _Broken Fang: Memoirs of the Ones Who Escaped._

A flat, handwritten note was inscribed on the inside cover, in a hand so neat it looked typeset.

_It’s hard to leave._

“Hey, Emerald!”

She slumped forward again, letting her forehead smack against the glass. There was no mistaking that shrill, annoying voice. “Hello, Ruby. If you’re looking for Yang, you just missed her.”

“I was looking for you!” A fluid, crimson blur slid in next to her seat on the reading nook. Rose petals scattered on her lap before melting away, and Ruby sat next to her, looking at her expectantly. “It’s Wednesday,” Ruby said, vibrating with energy.

“Mhm?”

“Yeah, it’s Wednesday,” Ruby said again, sitting cross-legged and leaning in closer.

Emerald leaned back. “Okay?”

“It’s Wednesday!” Ruby said a final time. “The 19th?”

Then it struck her. “Oh. That makes one year I’ve been here.” And two years total she had known Ruby. Occasionally Ruby made jokes about that- about how Emerald was a freshman and Ruby was a junior, one dropped back two years while the other leaped ahead.

Ruby threw her arms up in the air. “Yes! Isn’t that exciting?”

“I try not to count the days since the trial,” Emerald said, looking back outside.

Ruby scooted away from her, a little deflated. She began fiddling with a necklace she wore, brown leather that had started to grow ragged from habitual worrying. A heavy pendent rested on it, Emerald knew, but Ruby always kept it tucked into her shirt like a secret locket. “Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to uh…” she waved a hand in a lazy semicircle, a faux-mystical resonance wavering her voice. “Disrupt your uh, your mental coping thing.”

Emerald had been so sure once she dropped the saccharine act that Ruby would drop _her_. But the opposite proved true; Ruby seemed to enjoy her company more now that Emerald openly disliked her than when Emerald had been pretending to like her. “You didn’t. What do you want?”

“Was wondering if you wanted to hang out a little. Everyone else is busy or doesn't want to go outside their room cause it’s cold.”

“And I can’t say no.”

Wounded, Ruby shrunk into her hood. “You can say no!”

Emerald rolled her eyes.

“You can say no,” Ruby insisted, this time getting up to her feet and zipping away. She waved at Emerald from the library doorway with both arms and then zipped back. "See? I'll just leave if you say no and you can continue brooding."

“No,” Emerald said.

“Okay then.” Ruby shrugged. “I’ll see you later!”

That was a given. There wasn’t any way she wouldn’t see her soon, considering the campus wasn’t really that big. Laughing, Emerald waved her down before she could sprint away. “I was kidding,” Emerald said, standing up and smirking down at her. “Where do you want to go?”

Ruby reached out to take Emerald’s hand in both of hers. The silver shackle on her wrist lit up with the touch. Her vitals hummed, glittering red and green on the holographic display. 

Ruby led her outside.

“It’s fall and the leaves are pretty and I wanted to take a walk around campus with someone,” Ruby said, tugging her along before walking at her side. She dropped one hand, but laced their fingers together with the others in a casual display of affection that still threw Emerald for a loop. “If I’m alone I go too fast. I need someone to keep pace with.”

“Oh?” Emerald slowed down at once, slurring her words as well as she moved her foot up fractionally, as though to take one more step. “Theeeeeeeen I’ll…..” she lowered her foot another fraction. “Waaaaaaaalk…..” she lowered it more. “Eeeeeeextrrrraaa…. Sllllooowww…”

Ruby bumped into her, nearly knocking her over. She was forced to rest both feet flat on the ground to keep her balance, laughing mockingly at the shorter girl.

When Ruby squeezed Emerald’s hand again her biometrics went off the scale, beeping a reprimand at her. Silver eyes glanced down in curiosity, scanning the unfamiliar medical terms as they popped up. 

“Is it supposed to do that?” Ruby wondered, sounding a little concerned.

“Sometimes it gets a little wonky,” Emerald said, trying to wrestle her heart rate back under control. “So where’s your girlfriend today? Why isn’t she walking with you?”

You didn’t need an illusion semblance to misdirect someone. Especially someone as gullible as Ruby, who averted her glance and turned as red as her cloak. “You need to stop calling her that!” she said in a whisper-shout, letting go of Emerald’s hand to cross her arms.

“She is, though,” Emerald teased, walking closer to Ruby to bump her in retaliation for earlier. “You’re basically married. She’s joined to you at the hip.”

Ruby flipped her hood up, yanking it down over her eyes and squirming in place. “I’m not married to Weiss!!! I don’t want to be a Schnee!”

Leaning down, Emerald snuck an arm around Ruby’s shoulder, pulling her closer to whisper in her ear. “Two normal schnees.”

“Knees!” Ruby shouted, play-slapping Emerald away. “ _Knees_!”

Emerald cackled, picking up the pace to jog away from Ruby and her slaps of fury. When Ruby caught up to her, Emerald grabbed her again, redirecting her in just a few simple steps until she had her backed up against one of the trees.

She resisted for a second, still thinking it was a game, until Emerald pushed her back again, this time not letting her go. Emerald had both her wrists in one hand, the free hand wrapped around Ruby’s throat and squeezing warningly. Ruby sucked in a breath, catching her lower lip between her teeth.

“So where’s your girlfriend today?” Emerald asked again, lower this time. The hand moved from Ruby’s throat to her chin, tilting it up. “She doesn’t like it when you’re alone with me.”

There was a satisfying flash of fear in Ruby’s eyes before they sharpened, from silver to steel. It felt like Ruby forgot who she was again. Most days Emerald wondered if it was a front or genuine. Today she didn’t. “What are you doing?”

“Teasing you a little.” She flexed her grip, testing her strength on Ruby’s hands. “Like you don’t enjoy it. Wasn’t that why you vouched so hard for me?”

Emerald had easily gained access to all the court proceedings. The secret judges, juries, and potential executioners weighing in on her fate. It was true she came to them of her own free will, turned over everything she knew, swapped sides completely. Not once had Emerald ever pleaded that she didn’t know what she was doing, or that she was just following orders.

That whole time was a blur, honestly. Every time someone asked her _why_ she struggled to remember anything pertinent, anything except how she felt.

She was just tired.

Ruby tested her grip to see it wasn’t that strong, anyway, and wriggled free to glare up at Emerald. “Of course not, that wouldn’t be right. I wouldn’t do something like that just because- Why are you bringing this up now?”

Because she was still trying to puzzle out the rules here, testing the limits of what she was allowed to do. “Because you have a cute crush on me,” Emerald said, and then she winked. “Be honest with me. It’s a little bit because I can’t say no now, isn’t it?”

Ruby’s face went red again and her hand flew up to her throat, fingers worrying at the thin leather cord wrapped around her neck. “No!” she said, stepping away. “Emerald… I just… I’m not like her.”

There was no second-guessing which “her” Ruby referred to. There was only one woman they never mentioned by name, or even brought up those first few months, when Emerald would flinch every time someone lifted their hand too fast.

New prison, new rules.

Emerald just gave a tight shrug, arms crossed and eyes closed.

Ruby swallowed. “But…” She peeked one eyelid open, seeing Ruby couldn’t look her straight-on anymore. Her shoulders were set straight, spine a little too tall. “But I do need a favor.”

“Ohh?”

“Let’s go back to my dorm room and I’ll explain,” Ruby said, but didn’t take her hand again.

All she could feel was a wave of relief. Emerald breathed, a low knot of tension in her gut finally unwinding. Cinder never did anything without a reason, without purpose, without it furthering their plans. Living here was wildly chaotic compared to how Emerald knew life; no desperate time-sensitive plans, no secrets, no _reasons_.

Except now. After twelve long months, here it was.

Ruby opened her dorm room and gestured Emerald to enter first. They were alone, noticeably, and Ruby locked the door behind them. Out of habit Emerald flopped down on Weiss’ bunk, the one underneath Ruby’s, and waited expectantly.

Ruby stood with her hands behind her back, head ducked low. Emerald couldn’t begin to guess what was going on in her mind, or what she was about to ask. To steal something, most likely, but what?

“Emerald,” Ruby said, “Can you do an illusion on me?”

A long pause. Then Emerald just lifted up her shackle, twisting her wrist this way and that. “I don’t know if you noticed,” she started, “But this thing means I can’t-”

Ruby stopped her, reaching into her belt pouch and pulling out the key. She recognized it at once, the thin silver card the teachers would use for lessons, when they needed to unlock the seal on her aura. Emerald honed in on it, her mind already racing.

How did Ruby have a key? How long did she have it? Did she take it? But all Emerald could sputter out was, “Wh...wh..?” She got up to her feet, striding over to Ruby and reaching for the key. “Give it to me. Now!"

Ruby darted her wrist back a bit, giving Emerald a twisted smile. “Hey hey, easy. You’re not allowed.”

She snarled. “Not funny! How did you get that?”

“I’ve always had it,” Ruby said, pocketing the card. Seeing it sharpened a hunger inside Emerald she didn’t even know she was suffering from. 

It had taken so long to get used to being powerless. It helped that Ruby never took advantage of her, that Emerald always had one of the four of _them_ hovering nearby. It had been irritating at first until she realized they were her guards in more way than one. A huntress without her aura was an easy mark. RWBY never outright said they were protecting her from the other students, but they made it clear nonetheless.

“What if there was an emergency and you needed to leave campus?” Ruby continued. “We couldn’t have you trapped here, and there might not be a teacher around to help.”

Trapped here. Trapped here? She was _already_ trapped here, that didn’t make any _sense_. “You had a key,” Emerald said, softly.

“All of us did.”

All of us? That could only mean the rest of team RWBY- maybe even JNPR. Emerald reeled with the knowledge, sitting back down heavily on the bunk bed.

It had been years since she stole for necessity. At first it had been out of a desire to survive, and then for money, and then for fun, and finally to earn her place under Cinder’s tutelage, among the elite. Emerald covered her face in her hands; her freedom had been within reach the whole time, and all she had to do was take it.

There was nothing wrong with her pickpocketing skills. She didn’t need an aura to slip someone’s wallet from the inside of their coat. She just had marked RWBY down as ‘Do Not Touch’.

Sitting down next to her, Ruby wordlessly took Emerald’s hand in her own again, lifting up the shackle. She slid the key in; a holographic keyboard whirred up and Ruby began tapping instructions into it.

“Won’t they know?” Emerald finally said.

“I’m leaving notes that I was here, and why I’m doing this,” Ruby said.

“So this is my reward for being a good guy and not stealing from you?”

The sarcasm flew over Ruby’s head, as it often did. “Yep.” She glanced up from her typing to flash a quick smile at Emerald. “Aren’t you glad?”

Emerald didn’t- couldn’t- respond, the last restriction on her aura finally falling off with a few idle keystrokes. She was used to it happening in class, a cold bucket of water, a shock down her spine. She wasn’t ready for it this time and gasped, twitching forward to rest her face against Ruby’s shoulder until the last of the trembles faded away.

Ruby placed a palm on her back, a one-armed hug. “You okay?”

Was she okay? She was whole again, the steel door between her physical body and her soul lifted up, the dam unleashed. “Happy,” she said after a moment.

“You still can’t leave the school,” Ruby warned her. “I don’t have control over that.”

Emerald sat up straight. “But I can keep my semblance?! And my aura, connected?!”

She nodded, a lopsided grin on her face. “I trust you,” she said.

“But-”

Ruby’s expression fell flat. “Don’t. I know what you think about me. That I’m gullible and you could sell me a bridge, yadda yadda.” She turned aside, away from Emerald. “It wasn’t just me who made this decision. But I asked to be the one to do it. I was waiting for the right time…” She shook her head. “Anyway, don’t try to convince me I’m wrong by listing off all your bad traits.”

Emerald shut her mouth. She lasted about five seconds. “But I haven’t even done anything to earn it.”

Ruby’s face scrunched up in confusion, eyebrows pushed together and an open-mouthed frown making her look cartoonishly incompetent. 

“You literally threw away everything to help us,” Ruby reminded her, as if she didn’t think about it every day. Unconsciously, Ruby’s hand rose up to her necklace again, worrying it between forefinger and thumb. Emerald wondered when that little cord would snap.

She didn’t want to argue about this. Ruby just didn’t get it yet, that there was always a catch, a barter system. No punishment existed without merit, and no reward without reason.

Finally, she just sighed. “Okay Ruby,” Emerald said. She laced her fingers together, stretching her arms with her palms outward as she cracked her neck. “What do you want to see?”

“Huh? Oh! Right. The illusion.” Ruby sat a little closer to her, her hands coiling up the edge of her cape into nervous twists. “Um, anything, really. I just want to know what it feels like.”

“That’s it?”

Ruby nodded.

“I don’t get the way you think,” Emerald admitted. “You know I can’t do nice illusions, right? Whatever I show you is going to hurt.”

“I know. It’s the only thing we never properly managed to defeat,” Ruby explained. She fiddled with the cord around her neck. “Not until you helped us, anyway. And I’m the only one who never got a chance to fight it.”

“So you’re testing yourself?”

Ruby nodded again. Well that, at least, made some sense.

The silver monitor on Emerald’s wrist began to fluctuate again. She was so used to the constant noise that it just blended into her environment, really.

If it ever came off, she wondered if she’d be able to sleep without it. If it ever came off, she wondered where she would go next. Cinder’s prison of emotional manipulation had been hard enough to escape; what was she going to do if Ozpin kept his word and unlocked her once her time here was up?

“Ok,” Emerald said, just to fill the silence, because her own panicked heartbeat was beginning to make the shackle protest. She grasped for something to say, anything to keep Ruby from guessing what was going on in her mind- as if Ruby could ever guess. But the paranoia was still there, leftover from when Cinder refused to let her keep any secrets. “But I want something in return.”

She expected a rebuttal, just not the method. She waited for Ruby to say, _Haven’t I given you enough?_ but instead she said, “That’s not… I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. You aren’t obligated to do something for me just because I did something for you, and vice versa. That’s not how friendship works.”

Emerald didn’t know. In theory, yes, but what worked in theory rarely worked in practice. “Aw,” she said, and couldn’t resist smirking. “So I can’t ask for a kiss after all?”

Both of Ruby’s hands flew up to cover her mouth, eyes widening to the size of silver lien. Emerald spat in laughter, bending over to cackle as Ruby got a hold of herself just to start play-slapping her again. She beat out a drumlike rhythm on Emerald’s back and shoulders, whining loudly. “Stop! Stop teasing me! That’s so rude!”

She ducked, turning away from the blows to laugh harder, and act wounded. “So you don’t want to kiss me? My feelings are hurt.”

“Oh yeah, as if!” Ruby sat back on her heels, huffing loudly. “You know, if you don’t want to do an illusion you can just say so!”

“I’ll do the illusion! But I do want a kiss,” Emerald insisted, tapping her index finger on her cheek. “Just one.”

Ruby hesitated, maybe smelling the bait but still tempted by it anyway. “...Just one?”

Emerald shrugged. She knew half-answers left Ruby off-balance, which is where Emerald wanted her. Now she just had to be patient, letting Ruby weigh her options for herself. She could sense it when Ruby made up her mind, leaning forward to press a quick, dry kiss on her cheek.

But Emerald turned her head last second, catching her by the lips. Ruby made an affronted sound, lips parting in a gasp, and Emerald pulled her in by the collar, kissing her again. 

Something about the next kiss made her understand Ruby better. Ruby didn’t pull away but instead cautiously drew a little closer, her confused, embarrassed mumbles muffled by Emerald’s mouth. There was innocence in it, the complete absence of expectation, even when Emerald undid the top button on Ruby's blouse and then the one under it, pressing a palm to the base of Ruby’s throat.

Emerald saw that innocence and she wanted to take it. She _felt_ it, felt Ruby giving her the opportunity for freedom, the idea of being completely unfettered. And maybe that’s why it hurt so much when she took Ruby’s hand and slipped the shackle around her wrist, squeezing it tight so the needles pushed through her skin. 

She understood _that_ feeling more readily, the cold that seeped from the point of impact as the scanner read your system, got acquainted with your blood.

Ruby yelped, flinching away, but Emerald took the shackled wrist and pinned it against one of the metal bedposts, scooting away on the bed to breathlessly watch Ruby writhe in shock. It didn’t hurt, of course, when the aura connection was severed. It was painless except for that initial slice, like a knife through your spine.

“They can lock that thing onto almost any flat surface, you know,” she explained in a conversational tone as Ruby tried to work the shackle free, pulling and tugging. She even twisted around to brace her legs against the bedframe, trying to use it as leverage.

Flopping limply when it was clear it wouldn’t work, Ruby made Emerald glad, for a second, that looks couldn’t kill. “Let me go!”

“Why?” Emerald batted aside the open edge of Ruby’s shirt, fingers deftly working open the third button. “So you can put it back on me?”

“How’d you do it?” Ruby asked instead of answering, looking her dead on with that steel in her eyes.

It unnerved her so much that she actually hesitated before dipping into Ruby’s blouse. 

“I’ll take this back, thanks,” Emerald said, plucking up the heavy pendant on Ruby’s necklace. She always tucked it underneath her collar, close to her chest. The cord was long enough that Emerald could simply lift it up from around Ruby’s head. She took it, rolling her thumb on the simple charm: Flattened brass, shaped into a circle and studded with small, cut alexandrite.

Ruby’s eyes focused on it, her pulse visibly jumping under the skin of her throat. Her lips pressed tightly together, rage making her pale, and terrible, and beautiful.

A sharp pain cut through Emerald’s concentration, like a knife to her skull. She winced, covering her forehead with a palm, but in the end she couldn’t maintain the illusion.

Ruby gasped, her trapped wrist falling flat to her side- because there was no shackle pinning it to the bed, because it was still on Emerald’s wrist and had never left. Ruby’s hand flew immediately to her throat, finding the leather cord still there, and the pendant still tucked into her unbuttoned blouse- because Emerald had never begun undressing her, and had never stolen back the gift.

She was pale, beads of sweat collecting on her brow. With a careful hand, she wiped it clear before it could spill into her eyes.

“Told you it wouldn’t be a nice illusion,” Emerald said, her arms wrapped around her knees as she sat back.

“You did,” Ruby agreed, haltingly, not tearing her eyes away from Emerald. Again her fingers quirked up, touched the fraying leather cord around her neck. Then she relaxed with a smile, laughing shortly. “But I broke it!”

Emerald waved it aside. “You got lucky.”

“Best two out of three, then?”

The open challenge in her voice made Emerald do a double take, waiting for the punchline, for something other than rebellion to burn in Ruby’s expression, her thin smile. When none came, Emerald got up, nodding for Ruby to follow her.

They stood, facing each other like they were ready to draw pistols at noon, and Ruby braced herself for the next illusion.

There were times Emerald was sure Ruby underestimated her. She never seemed to take Emerald’s loyalty into consideration. All of this could have been a long con, waiting for the perfect chance to strike from within enemy lines. She’d waited longer for less. There were times when Emerald was sure Ruby forgot how dangerous she was.

But then there were times, like right in that instant when Ruby broke through the second illusion, and the third, and the fourth. In those moments, Emerald realized the same could be said for how often she forgot Ruby was the one with the shackle keys for a reason.

 

* * *

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Abuse, not explicit but not subtle either

****She hated Ruby. Because from that moment on, she began to count the days.

It started as an idle revelation: Ruby told her she had been here a year.

So of course the next day was… A year and one day. And then it was a year and two days. Three days. A week. A month. It got to the point where Emerald _tried_ to forget, but a glance at her scroll or the calendar on the wall would always remind her. The calculation came instantly, in a flash: A year and a month and ten days.

She was always good at math. It came in handy when doing small hustles.

_“Tch. Really?” Cinder’s tongue clicked against the roof of her mouth, lip twitching in irritation. She grumbled, stepping up to Emerald and tugging open her blouse, button by button until she found the torn part. “Hold still. This will take but a moment.”_

_Emerald didn’t need to be told twice; she was frozen in place, heart hammering in her chest as Cinder pulled a small sewing kit out of her uniform pocket._

Cinder never touched her. Not even once.

She wanted to, Emerald was sure. There were times when she felt those gold eyes on her like twin points of a flame, slowly boring holes into her back. The older Emerald got the more common it became, and she liked it. Emerald loved her, even then,

(even now)

and she wanted Cinder to touch her. She carried the gentle moments in her heart, like the time when Cinder found her bleeding on the floor after a heist gone wrong and she sank down next to her, cradling Emerald’s head against her chest until the wounds healed and she fell asleep.

_“Aren’t you lucky to have someone like me looking after you.” It was a teasing jab, a statement and not a question. Cinder had a spare button; she hand-sewed it onto Emerald’s shirt in a flash._

_She knew her desperation and childishness weren’t attractive but there was nothing else she could think of that she could give._

_“When you love someone, you give them everything they want.”_

“But Cinder never wanted me.”

Emerald sat back in her chair, legs crossed. She would have crossed her arms, too, but that would have sent closed-off signals to Ozpin. He watched her from across the table, hands steepled in front of his face. An old poker move; he didn’t want to display his tell.

Emerald thought of most conversations like this, reading signals and giving cues. People rarely noticed-- but their subconscious did.

“Do you feel like you’re wanted here?”

Emerald frowned, exaggerating the way it made her cheeks puff out. “Are you my shrink now, Ozpin?”

“No. But I could send you to one, if you want. Do you want that?”

They both knew the answer to that. Even the best trained ones, the ones who dealt with anxiety-riddled huntresses who lost their whole teams out to the unforgiving wilds of Grimm territory, even they couldn’t help her with this. No one in the world understood the things Emerald had seen, the secrets she kept even now.

_The older woman was focused on the task, leaning over to slide the needle through. Not noticing or not caring that Emerald was uncharacteristically mute, trembling at the very shadow of a touch, staring at Cinder with piteous hope._

_“Just don’t tug it too much, my dear, this is a quick fix. I’ll mend it properly later when–”_

_Cinder looked up at her. Caught the naked, starved expression on her face._

_There was an intense moment of scrutiny, just as sharp and filled with potential as when a predator scents blood in the water. Cinder’s hands slid up Emerald’s arms, resting on her shoulders with a possessive squeeze._

A sudden bout of trembling made her cross her arms, even though she didn’t want to. “You have no idea what’s hiding in that mountain, Ozpin.”

“We have some idea. An ancient Grimm--”

“We would have unleashed it on the city,” she said, quickly, too quickly. “Endlessly spawning Grimm, more and more and more and... Have you ever stepped on a pregnant spider? Do you know how the babies just…”

She made two fists, then flared her fingers wide, making a whooshing noise with her mouth.

“And do you know how Cinder would have done this?” he asked her, like he had a hundred times before. Always with the same gentle tone, though he approached it from different angles. Emerald knew she was being prodded like a corpse, this way and that, trying to find the cause of death. But she had told him everything she knew; this wasn’t their first conversation about it.

Emerald shook her head, tired of repeating herself every time Ozpin called her for a visit in his office.  “She never told us that. But I know Cinder isn’t scared of the Grimm, she’s…”

They get cold around her, the fires on their skull mask simmering down to dull embers. Cinder had stroked the bone plating of an ursa right in front of her, murmuring and cooing to it like it was a loyal family pet.

“Salem taught her how.” Emerald licked her lips. “She would have taught me how if we went through with... it.”

“But you didn’t,” Ozpin was quick to point out.

“Because Ruby stopped me! That doesn’t count for shit.” Leaning forward, Emerald rapped her fingers on the glass table between them. “I _killed_ people for this plan to come to fruition. It’s only sheer, dumb luck that the Fall Maiden is still standing alongside this tower.”

Ozpin took a long draw of his coffee. He took it overly sweet, dense with chocolate syrup and sugar.

He offered her a cup and she took it with a single cream and sugar, though she could have drunk it black.

“How old were you when Cinder found you?” he finally asked.

“That doesn’t matter,” she said defensively. “I was seventeen when I killed someone for her. Old enough to know better.”

“I think it matters.” He pressed again, a little more forcefully today. “And I really think you would benefit from speaking to someone licensed to help you, rather than a dusty old professor.”

That made her grin, feeling decidedly smug. “Come on, Ozpin. You know nobody normal could handle me.”

Did he know that, though? It had only been--

(a year and six months and five days)

That was nothing, in terms of what Emerald had waited out. She had been Cinder’s girl for much longer than that.

_Cinder quirked her head to the side, smiling at Emerald with thin amusement. “Finish getting ready. I’ll see you in class.”_

_Emerald nodded, shaking from head to toe._

_Cinder swept out of the room, leaving her to button up her own blouse._

When she left Ozpin’s office, Ruby was waiting for her. The girl leaped up to her feet and zipped to Emerald’s side. Rose petals swarmed around their ankles as Ruby launched herself at Emerald, hugging her with legs and arms wrapped around her torso.

Emerald would have fallen flat on her ass if the door weren’t behind her. She slammed into it without cushion, both her hands busy holding onto Ruby to keep her from falling. “Oof!”

But before Emerald could scold her, Ruby had let her go and was bouncing on the balls of her feet again. “How’d it go?”

Their hands laced together easily, a calm gesture of affection. “It was fine. We just talked around in circles like we always do.”

She told Ruby what they had discussed, adding that today Ozpin really wanted her to see a shrink. Ruby thought that was a good sign. They chatted as they walked to the elevators; Emerald unlocked her Aura seal once the doors sealed shut.

Ruby glanced down in curiosity as Emerald’s free hand tapped out the access code. “Why do you seal it when you’re with him? Everyone knows you have a key now.”

“Plausible deniability,” Emerald said. When the Aura seal broke she leaned back against the elevator wall, groaning between grit teeth at the cold rush of pleasure. “Hah… um…” she blinked a few times. “If something bad happens while I’m in there, you know people would blame it on me.”

Ruby agreed, uncertainly.

When they reached ground level, Ruby lead the way, tugging Emerald to keep up. “So did you ask him about going out next weekend?”

Emerald paused, frozen in place.

“I completely forgot,” she admitted, feeling cold again, feeling it like Cinder’s wine-black nails sliding down her bare skin. The only time Cinder ever allowed a touch was when it came at the heels of a punishment. Negatively reinforced, she still found herself flinching every time Ruby kissed her cheek.

Ruby was quick to change the subject. “It’s okay. You can ask him next time.”

“But it was for your birthday,” Emerald protested, already tugging back so that she could return to the tower. “I can’t believe I forgot.”

“It’s really okay!” Ruby said, pulling her in turn, until they had a regular game of tug o’war going on. “I’ll have…. other... birthdays!” she said between straining breaths. Emerald stood still, letting Ruby waste her energy for a bit before she relented and let the smaller girl tug her around again.

“Or we can do it for your birthday,” Ruby said, looking satisfied. She swung Emerald’s hand between them while they walked. “When is your birthday, anyhow?”

“I don’t know,” Emerald said. “I count my age by the start of the new year, usually.”

_How old were you when Cinder found you?_

Ruby rolled with it. “Then that’ll be your day. Every birthday starting fresh, on the first day of the year.”

Emerald laughed, but she still couldn’t shake that chilled dread inside her, the one that sank in the pit of her stomach and sprouted like a seed. “I’ll be twenty, then.”

“And I’ll be eighteen!” Ruby said, sounding excited by the prospect. “I’ll be the same age as all the sophomores…”

As always, Emerald had to bite down on her tongue when Ruby reminded her of their age difference.

_How old were you when Cinder found you?_

Stopping suddenly, she pulled Ruby close as she could. She hugged her tightly, with all her strength, because if she didn’t do something firm she knew she would begin shaking again from head to toe.

“Is there anything else I can do for your birthday?” she asked as Ruby sighed and snuggled close to her, resting her forehead against Emerald’s neck.

“I just want to be around you, like just you and me,” Ruby said, sounding distant, like she was thinking out loud. “I feel selfish when I say it like that, though. But dad always says when you love someone you want to be around them all the time.”

Shaken, Emerald took a step back from Ruby, a hot tear sliding down her cheek. Ruby instinctively leaned away, her face bright red as she realized what she had just said.  

Intrusively, she wondered how long it would take Ruby to forgive her if she hurt her just then, if she took her by the neck and throttled her. She wondered-- not for the first time-- if it would be good for both of them if she did that, and drove Ruby away, as far away as she could, hurt her so soundly she had no choice except to get wise and think twice before trusting anyone ever again.

Turning aside, Emerald roughly wiped at her face. Again, and again. She was shaking now, furiously, furious with herself and too distraught to speak.

(Just because you don’t act on it doesn’t mean you weren’t thinking of it. Just because you couldn’t go through with it doesn’t mean you didn’t try, it just means you failed.)

“...Who the hell left the faucet on?” she grumbled when she could finally talk. Every ounce of willpower went to not berating herself out loud, and so there was nothing left to stop the tears. Alarmed at how much she was crying, Emerald slapped her face a few times and took a deep breath. “Anyway. If you want to hang out with me so badly, I guess I can spare some time on my busy schedule.”

Ruby didn’t respond at first. With her back turned to the other girl, Emerald could only imagine what her face looked like.

“I would like that a lot,” Ruby said.

She bumped into Emerald again, pressing her forehead against the center of Emerald’s back. Bowing her head, Emerald covered her face with both hands, trying hard-- trying harder-- trying to forgive herself, trying to feel like there was something she could do, anything she could do, to fix herself for Ruby.


End file.
